Memorial Day: An insightful, gracious essay by an American Military Widow

Poppy and Headstone at Arlington National Cemetery. Photo credit: Tonya VanWinkle, Gold Star Spouse

Belonging

Once, a big tall man approached me and my small children in our local Midwest grocery store parking lot.

“Why don’t you go back to where you came from?!”

Whaaaaat? I looked around to see if he really was talking to me. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or kidding, angry or not.

“Sir? I have not idea what you mean.”

He pointed to my Florida license plate and made it clear an “outsider” wasn’t welcome in his neighborhood. My family lived there for 4 years and this was my hometown grocery store. But he had no understanding that our military family’s sacrifice of moving and deployments afforded him his ability to grow lifetime roots in one safe place. He had no idea the great cost of his freedom of speech.

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Community

Once, my introverted daughter, who desperately struggled with military moves, finally began to make a good new friend. When that new friend’s mom found out we were military, the friendship promptly ended and she told me why. She said it’s just too hard to let her be friends with military kids because she knew we’d move away soon and that would be too much for her daughter. She had no understanding that the sacrifice of our military family’s moves and deployments afforded her the ability to grow lifetime roots in one safe place. Nor the high cost of her freedom of speech.

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Roots

Once I heard a speaker talk about how important it is to grow community and stay in once place. To dig roots. How my husband and I have longed for that privilege every day of our military missional married lives. I wondered about Jesus who traveled town to town to bring life and healing. I thought of Paul who moved town to town to share God’s saving power. I wondered how a privilege of staying in one place became a moral teaching that I’ve never seen demonstrated in the Bible. But she seemed to have no understanding that the sacrifice of military families’ moves and deployments afforded her the ability to grow lifetime roots in one safe place. The high cost of her freedom of speech.

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Identity

Once I knew a military child who braved yet another new school. The boys surrounded him and interrogated, “Are you a hometown boy?” He came home and asked, “Mama, what’s a hometown boy?… And am I one?” Of course you are baby. This is your hometown. These kids had no understanding that the sacrifice of this boy and his family’s moves and deployments afforded them the ability to grown up being hometown boys in a safe place. The high cost of their freedom of speech.

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But once isn’t just once for our military families.

Memorial Day is a mixed bag for me as a military widow. Because I’m friends with dozens of other surviving military families who had already given up more than most of America can imagine and then we lost our one and only. We don’t need a day set aside to remember our husband or wife or dad or mom or son or daughter that we lost. We remember every single day.

Only 2% of Americans serve in the military to protect the other 98%. Saying that these 2% protect the other 98% isn’t just a cliché. My husband’s job didn’t allow him to tell me any details of his work. But once my husband’s boss said to me, “I know you don’t have any idea what your husband really does, but know this. He truly is keeping our nation (and other nations) safe.” And that’s all I needed to know. We can’t take for granted the true saving power of what these guys are doing and its more than political affiliations or the dramatics we see in cinema. It’s truly beyond our knowing and allowing us security and stability.

So if only 2% serve, and less have died, then many people reading this article may have no personal family connection to Memorial Day. And the surviving families with a personal connection don’t need a day set aside to remember because we remember acutely daily. So what is Memorial Day for?

Civilians celebrate a 3-day weekend. Boating, fishing, barbequing, shopping the sales. I get it. If you don’t know anyone who served and died, then it’s an especially awkward day.

Once as a young military spouse, I remember feeling like I understood the importance of the day but had no personal connection to loss in the military. I felt internally conflicted about the day and how I should respond and honor it. I felt conflicted about the picnic we were preparing… smoked brisket and homemade rolls and baked beans. So my close friend and fellow milspo and I decided to fast for the day and pray for the families who lost loved one. Then we broke our fast with communion together and enjoyed our brisket feast. I was glad to do what I could for families I only knew in theory through prayer, but the day still felt awkward.

Now on the other end as a Gold Star spouse, the day is even more awkward. Because we’ve spent each Memorial Day since my husband died alone. Whether it’s valid or vain, I can’t help but imagine our friends still having barbecues but without us now. Because wouldn’t that be awkward to invite a surviving family over on Memorial Day.

Memorials aren’t for the dead but to help the living work toward healing.

Funerals aren’t for the dead but to help the living find closure and comfort in community.

Gravesites aren’t for the dead but to help the living process.

Remember, Memorial Day is, yes, to remember those who gave their lives to protect us. But mostly, it’s for the living… to remember the surviving families who are still alive who remember their loved ones day in and day out.

It’s one thing to feel grateful, and it’s another thing to show gratitude. Feeling thankful and demonstrating to someone you are thankful are very different.

Today, Serve Those Who Serve You Daily

I challenge you today to not just remember the sacrifice of those who gave their lives in order to afford you the ability to grow roots in a safe place. So that we can go boating and fishing and shopping and backyard barbecuing. Don’t feel guilty about this freedom, but instead, use it wisely and gratefully. Don’t just feel thankful. Demonstrate it.

But if you are today like I once was, you may have no personal connection to Memorial Day and no idea how to practically demonstrate the gratitude you feel. Well, now that I’m on the other side of this holiday, let me offer some ideas that would truly make an impact.

I challenge you today to use your costly freedom of speech and free commerce wisely, to encourage those who sacrifice for you daily.

Author Bio:

 Danita Jenae is a military widow, young mom, and advocate for military families. She is the 2022 recipient of the AFI Unattached Military Spouse of the Year Award. She’s also an award-winning author and speaker on grief support. If you or a loved one is silently struggling with grief, please grab a copy of When Mountains Crumble and join the thousands of others who have found hope and healing in this book. Also check out wmc.com for free resources like Grief 101 and How to Support Your Grieving Friend.