By Guest Contributor: Stacy Swentko
Guest, Stacy Swentko, shares the turning point in her infertility journey, where anxiety, fear, and anger were calmed with peace and hope.
“Oh okay, well, thanks for letting us know,” I heard myself say as I hung up the phone.
“I don’t believe it, how in God’s green earth is this even possible?” I was in shock. Then, they came. Not tears but words. Not kind words either. Rolling off my tongue like a hot tamale lit on fire. I was so angry. Dread and disbelief sunk in the pit of my stomach.
I’m sure these emotions were not helped by the lovely hormones I had been injecting
myself with while undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF). We had just finished our third
round of IVF when our doctor called to tell us that the two beautiful embryos we had
recently implanted, our embabies, did not “stick.”
At that time, my husband and I had been married for 9 years, trying to conceive for 5 years. We eventually underwent four rounds of IVF, unsuccessfully. We never imagined that this could be our reality. We heard many success stories with IVF, even at my age of 39. We were so confident IVF would work that we shared our plans with those close to us.
Honestly, after my outbursts of fuming words, I just felt alone. Alone, despite
physically having people around me, including my husband. I did not know what to do.
This is coming from a person who considers herself a “fixer.”
I knew something had to change. This was not a problem I alone could “fix.” Heck,
science didn’t even work, but I knew I could not reside in that depleting mind frame.
I was hyper-focusing on wanting my own child and getting wrapped up in all the anxiety, fear,
loneliness, and sadness.
Shortly after our fourth round of IVF, I was working with a therapist who encouraged me
to close my eyes and to feel, hear, and see anything that “came up.”
I saw a grey downward moving tunnel with barely any light, except for a small gold flicker
at the end. “Whoa,” I thought, “can we get a redo?” That vision was not very
encouraging, but it was where I was at in the healing process.
Shortly after, I waved my white flag, deciding to fully surrender to God. I knew I was robbing myself of the joy and peace God wanted me to live. That God wants us all to live. I realized I didn’t have to stay rooted in my negative circumstances. I could choose to come out of that tunnel.
Not alone, but with Jesus. He can help change how we view our circumstances. Little by little, I started to feel the chains falling off. I started to feel more freedom, more joy, more peace, and more acceptance the closer I leaned into Him. Acceptance that I was where I needed to be at that very moment in my life. Peace that was absolutely overwhelming and
supernatural. The kind of peace I was searching for, but could not find on my own.
A few months later, I saw another image. This time, it had the most beautiful blue sky. It was never ending. Guess who was holding my hand? Jesus! Yes, I exclaim to you, Jesus! We were walking together into the bright blue sky. He never gives up on us! He wants to be there with us! God was saying to me, let’s
do this together.
Life offers us so much. When we hyper-focus on what’s going wrong, we miss out on what’s right in front of us. God is trustworthy when we finally turn to Him in our challenges. He wants us to feel peace and joy every day, even in seemingly dismal circumstances.
Yes, grieving is an important part of the process, but He wants us to have hope. He wants us to thrive.
Let the tables turn. Surrender it to our Almighty God, the Light in the Darkness. If you don’t know where to start, just ask Him to guide you through the tunnel. He is waiting. Will you choose Him?
There’s nothing better than friendship with Jesus. He truly satisfies our every longing.
Dear Heavenly Father, I bring You my heartache and desires. Show me how to come closer to You in this moment. Give me peace and comfort as I heal. In Jesus’ name, Amen
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Stacy is a lawyer by trade, who also writes about
finding hope in seemingly dismal circumstances, particularly with regard to infertility and pet loss. God has restored peace and joy in her life, and she desires the same for others by helping to uplift and provide hope to those who are struggling to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for stopping by! Praying this encourages you today.
Please welcome Stacy and drop her a comment below!