A candid love letter of sorts…
You are constantly on my mind. I hold you in my heart and thoughts constantly. “But you don’t even know me,” you say? Sometimes the Holy Spirit causes a person to fall in love just through her prayers. (Isn’t that why we’re to pray for our enemies also?)
Something you need to know is that this is NOT a business deal, you and me. It’s not a mechanical thing. It’s not a formula.
You and I—we’ve entered into a relationship.
If you subscribe to my blog, you are not a number to me. I pray often through this list of email addresses… You are a person I pray for. You are a person I have set my heart on ministering to and encouraging.
And while I don’t require or expect that of you, I am a person too.
When I pour out hours of my life and hours of my prayers, I’m often met with silence. I don’t mind, and I do it anyways. Because I love you so. Sometimes, I hear through a mutual friend you told about how what I’m writing is changing your life and your faith and your hope. But you rarely personally tell me. I welcome you to reach out to me too. I’m a real-life person.
Do understand. I’m also not begging for your feedback here. This isn’t about my insecurity needing tended to. That would be a very immature (and naïve) motivation to be a writer. Crickets are just part of various stages of the writer’s life. And I have welcomed them. I have learned to write for an Audience of One, trusting His lead in what I share and when and why.
I write to please the Lord and to minister to His children, my friends, you.
I have done this for over a decade, meeting silence with my obedience. I am secure in Christ. But I do wish to remind you, I am a person too.
And because this is a relationship, you and me, I need to tell you… I write so much more than I share. I just want to figure out why. The Lord tells me over and over in the last year, “Do not hold back.”
And yet, I do.
So tell me, dear reader. May I have your permission to write you more often? May I write you daily? Five times a week? Three? (Because if I don’t, I may explode!)
This season, with all it’s grief, has me also grieving the posts I wanted to publish previously but didn’t. Because they were gems of parenting with Dan, doing church and life and marriage with him. And I wish I hadn’t held it back. I wish I could go back and read the things I never wrote.
There’s a web of reasons why I didn’t post and why I continue to pause or hold back. Privacy, wisdom, protection, fears.
Now I’m going to be plainly honest here.
A lot of my writing that I held back regarding my husband was because rarely, sometimes, a few revealed their jealousy about my prayer life or my marriage. So I guarded myself and my family.
Many people have no idea the cost of an anointing. They want the oil of someone else but don’t count the cost of the pressing and the crushing.
Other times, I held back because I didn’t want to hurt you, my dear reader, who didn’t have a beautiful healthy marriage. I thought I was protecting you and me both, but now I see. It was just fear of man.
And who has suffered now for it?
Me. Because now my children and I can’t go back and read all the beautiful things I wanted to say about Dan while he was living.
And who has suffered for it now?
Also you. Because now that I’m in this place of brokenness, I see the need for a model to follow after. The need for an example of what healthy conflict, ongoing romance, and unity in prayer can look like in a marriage. You needed hope for your own marriage that those things are possible and you needed someone to show you the way.
So for you and me both, I am sorry I held back.
You see. This is just ONE small example of all the reasons writers hold back, dear reader.
You’re a beloved child of God who I think about and tend to far more than you can fathom. I pray for you often. I constantly fix my mind on what God is revealing to me and then apply it to my own life. But I never stop there. I then sift through this well that I’m digging in the Spirit and ask God which drink of Living Water does He want me to share with you. And not only what to share but when and how and in what tone.
You’re constantly in my heart and on my mind, dear reader. I have a great affection of Christ for you.
And I just needed to be frank today and tell you so.
an indulgent postscript:
The reason I write is to reach as many as possible with the Good News that God is faithful, good and trustworthy. Stick with me and you’ll find yourself growing in prayer, surrender and the hope of redemption.
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